My Postpartum Depression

This was really hard to write, so please keep the negative comments to yourself. I love being a mom. I am one of the fortunate ones who is able to stay at home and raise my kids. But let's be real.. Staying home all day without the outside interaction with friends, family or even coworkers can be very sad and lonely. How can I feel so alone when I have people I love so dearly always around me? 

I'm so sick of getting told "you are so lucky you get to stay home, you have it so easy". Yes, I am so lucky to stay home but taking care of myself, my house, my children and making sure my husband feels loved is not easy. 

I knew something was wrong after I had my son. I felt very sad and felt as though I didn't have a connection with him. The main cause of my sadness was that he was born early with fluid in his lungs and spent the first 5 days of his life in the NICU so I didn't get that time to instantly connect with him like I had expected (I will get into the details about his delivery another day). My body obviously knew I had delivered him, but in my head it was like he wasn't really here.. because he physically was not there beside me.

Fast forwarding, after those 5 days were up Lolo was and able to come home. DD my toddler, began acting up (to be expected, her whole life had completely changed). My patience began wearing thin, I became very angry and super emotional, always crying for what felt like no reason at all. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I felt like a worthless piece of shit. I felt so badly about myself that I didn't even want to get out of bed and on top of it I, swear for the first month my husband and I didn't sleep at all. Some days I felt like super mom because they would go so smoothly and the routines were followed perfectly. Other days were filled with tantrums, short naps, over tiredness and just chaos. I'm sure many of you who are parents can relate. Those were the days where I felt at my worst emotionally, mentally and physically. Those are the days where I had the most difficulty keeping myself together. I began ignoring the people who I loved and cared about the most and began hating the things I used to find much joy in.

After spending many nights crying to my very supportive and understanding husband (thank-you Mark, really, thank you) I knew something had to change. I knew I had to pull myself together not only for myself, but for my kids and my family.

I remember that day. I woke up just in tears and told Mark "I need help now". I couldn't pretend to be ok any longer. I was thinking horrible thoughts such as "maybe it would be better if I wasn't here anymore". Mark instantly picked up the phone and called the walk in clinic I normally go to. He explained the situation and they told me to come in RIGHT away. I went myself, because I did not want any of my family to know because I was so embarrassed and I didn't want their pity.

Once I spoke to the doctor about how I was feeling, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety (my trigger being I was constantly worried about Lolo and always thought something bad was going to happen to him). I was then prescribed medication for my anxiety and depression. Fast forward to now, after taking my medication for 2 months now, I am beginning to feel like myself again. I still have those days where I feel sad and lonely but majority of the time I am happy. I am starting to do the things I love again such as going out with friends and family, shopping and writing (this blog).

Postpartum is real. Many moms and fathers go through it without even realizing. There is help out there. You are not alone and you should not be ashamed to ask for it. I am here if anybody wants to talk or even just vent about what they are going through. I will get through it one day at a time and so will you.